With the holidays fast approaching, you might be thinking about cooking for your family. It’s a noble idea, and fraught with danger and high adventure. Bold choice on your part, but you might be out of your element. There are many many steps beyond what you might think, and you need to make sure you’re prepared for it. Take this guide in hand and proceed to your prep area. You’ve got loads of work ahead of you, but your reward will be that sweet sweet meal.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dinner
1. SIR YES SIR
Before doing anything food and family related, you need to establish a chain of command. This chain CANNOT be broken under any circumstances. The normal pecking order of the family, i.e. the regular matriarchy/patriarchy/whatever can be broken for the sake of food, but will be restored at the end. The person in charge of food must have an iron oven mitt. This prevents mess and chaos and grumbling. Once you’ve established who listens to who, start issuing your commands.
2. Warzone
The kitchen is not a kitchen any longer. It is an art studio, a trench on the front line, and a laboratory. Sweat will poor, blood will spill, and some psychological injuries will be incurred that will never be forgotten. The kitchen needs to be emptied of all unneeded people and pets. Everything cooking is hot and dangerous and not ready to be eaten by anyone. Children are an especially huge pain, so watch out for those punks. The balance of the kitchen must be kept stable at all costs.
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Kitchen_of_Malbork_Castle.jpg
3. Mess Hall
While addressing the food, make sure that a trusted lieutenant has the process started on setting up the dining area. As always, the kids table should be a few lengths from the adults table. They have no business hearing those conversations or trying to steal the wine. The adults should be arranged in a way the conducive with marriages, closeness, and feuds. Thinks of it as forced diplomacy. No one needs to have that be any more difficult. Ultimate civility is needed to enjoy the hard earned food.
4. Memoirs
Everyone in attendance should be alerted of the menu ahead of time. Reasonable accommodations can be made during the cooking process, but vegetarians shouldn’t expect a miracle tofu turkey, nor should carnivores expect to be vegetable free. There should be food filler available for those entitled enough to think they can skip the main course for some conscientious objection. This food will be eaten and saved for days, so everyone better well learn to like it.
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Dirck_Hals_-_Banquet_Scene_in_a_Renaissance_Hall_-_WGA11035.jpg
5. Terms of Surrender
The food will be eaten no matter what. Even if the soup is dry, or the milkshakes burned, it will all be devoured and politely smiled about, in the interest of diplomacy. Complaints should be dutifully filed after the meal, face to face and with carefully chosen phrases. Bathroom usage after the meal should be arranged according to seniority and rank within the family. Any plans for after dinner need to wait until the last person has finished their food. Remember your debts and grudges for the next encounter.
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