Anyone who has seen any scifi knows that robots are a far more common problem than one ever really thinks. There is always some new mad scientist or alien oppressor doing its best to replace our good, hardworking Americans with evil androids and gynoids. The catch is, these people building robots are generally very smooth in their process of replacing people. Movies like the Stepford Wives and The World’s End go in depth of this process. Here’s how to spot if you’ve been replaced by a robot.
1. Gear Ear
Have things sounded any different lately? Can you suddenly hear mice stomping like elephants? People talking in other rooms? Maybe it’s you. Does your body suddenly click and whir? Does your heartbeat sound more like a bass line in a dubstep song than an actual heartbeat? Your new super hearing and efficient joints are signs of robotic replacements. They key to living with your new aural enhancements is to stuff your ears with cotton balls and eat lots of fatty foods, to gum up the works.
2. Arm =RAM
If you’re still having trouble guessing our biological status, use this simple test. Go find someone to high five, and then go high five them. Did you break their hand or accidentally tear off their arm? There’s only two beings with the strength to do that. Either you are a wookie or a robot, and you should be pretty sure if you are or are not a wookie. Your new robot strength is a danger to yourself and everyone around you. You need to make sure to wear soft mittens at all times, to negate your power.
3. iSight
How’s your vision? Is it 20/20? Can you shoot lasers? Do your friends suddenly look like a network of vessels and muscles? Maybe you find yourself standing on the shore, and you can see a distant island or a far off boat. Congratulations! You have robot eyes. Robots need good eyesight to spot weak squishy humans to enslave. Don’t worry though, because like everything else, you can hide it. Try wearing sunglasses, preferably stunna shades, to weaken your vision. You’ll look like a jerk, but you’ll hide your robot status.
4. Head Banger’s Ball
While assuredly you already had a magnetic personality and steely resolve, you mind yourself getting very involved with the heavy metal scene. You can’t board an airplane because you keep setting off the metal detectors. Every time you walk by a microwave, it fries itself out. The truth is, you’re a metal boned monster now. You’ve been robotized from the inside out. You’re a heavy machine, an iron man. You need to indulge in gaining a fatty appearance to mask your sudden weight gain, and start using the bus. No one will know your secret.
5. The Philosopher’s Stone
The most important sign of being a robot is your ability to compute. Can you suddenly exceed at math in a way never done before? Do you have an increased WPM at the office keyboard? Most importantly, can you not think about illogical or paradoxical situations? You’re now a robot brained puppet, I’m sorry to say. Robots are notorious for their inability to think outside the box. They hate David Lynch films and modern art. You can disguise this by randomly quoting Nietzsche. Like everything else, people will hate you, but no one will suspect you’re a robot faking it.
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