5 Worst Kinds of Music to Play at Family Gatherings

Music is supposed to bring people together, right?  WRONG.  Music is the fastest way to cause unfixable rifts in relationships.  It doesn’t matter how strong they were.  Music is felt in the heart.  So, when there is a disagreement about music, people take it personally because it feels like an affront against their very existence.  Some forms of music are nicer than others, but there are some that will never turn out well.  Here’s a hand list to tape to the refrigerator.

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1.  Heavy Metal

It doesn’t matter how melodic the metal you’re tying to play is, or how deep and amazing the lyrics are.  No Helloween, no Dragonforce, no Mastodon.  Nothing.  There can be no heavy metal at the family gathering. It’s downright frightening to the children in attendance, and the older relatives will likely shrivel up on the spot.  The older relatives that are willing to throw down with the metal are probably dangerous to have around anyway, so just watch out for moshing.

2.  Rap/Hip-Hop

There’s nothing wrong with these genres.  They are insightful poetry with some inventive use of music.  They tell stories and use word play in admirable ways.  It doesn’t matter though, it’s a no go.  To quote the philosopher Will Smith, “Parents Just Don’t Understand.”  They won’t like this music, and they can’t tell it apart from anything.  A lot of it is inappropriate for family gatherings, especially the songs about the club or gunfights.  This category has to be saved for another time.

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3.  Screamo

Grow up and realize this isn’t music.

4.  Personal Recordings

I’m sure you think you sounds great, but does anyone else?  Who told you?  You loved one or stalker or that girl who really wants to date you that you keep hanging around for the sake of your ego?  Don’t play your own stuff unless it’s requested.  Especially if someone might not like it, because your feelings will hurt a lot.  Like A LOT.  If you’re put in charge of entertaining guests, that’s fine.  But for your sake, don’t try to put yourself out there.

5.  Classic Rock

Wait, doesn’t everyone love classic rock?  For the most part, yes, and that’s the problem.  Nothing is worse than your relatives hearing a song they only like because it was on 24/7 when they were in high school.  That almost inevitably leads to a poorly supported rant about how “kids these days” and “all old stuff is totally better” and so on.  It wasn’t.  Things are the same if not better now, so save yourself the frustration of being resented for your youth.  Just have everyone hang out in silence.