Guide to Cyber Monday

Welcome to Cyber Monday.  It’s the internet equivalent to Black Friday, except totally unnecessary.  The name is ridiculous, like some washed up screenwriter in the 1990s got hired by a marketing firm, and they all happened to fear and loathe those darn new computers.  The important thing about today is that there are a lot of great deals and the internet is a huge and mystifying place.  We’re going to help guide you through this exciting day of shopping and opportunity.

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1.  Wallet

Remember, buying stuff is still buying stuff.  No matter how much you are saving on the surface, you’re still spending money.  Money yet to grow on trees, but we’re working on it.  Make sure to set a budget and know your limits when it comes to spending.  If you have to, give a friend your credit cards and verify every purchase with them.  Never let yourself buy something on total impulse.  Money is super valuable, and the specialty items on niche sites are not.

2.  Space

How much room do you have in your room?  Your house?  Your apartment?  Your mansion?  Your closet?  Space is always at a premium.  That was Lex Luthor’s whole motivation in the first Superman film.  Make sure before buying more stuff you may or may not need, that you have enough space to accommodate it all.  A new movie or CD is fine, but don’t buy a cat tree or custom motorcycle unless you know exactly where you can put it.  Think in three dimensions.

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3.  Gifts

Are you buying gifts for other people?  Excellent, it’s good to know you’re a nice person.  Or at least pretending to be, which is close enough.  But be aware, a good gift to you isn’t a good gift to everyone.  Just because you like rare Star Wars trading cards doesn’t mean your boyfriend will.  You need to think from the perspective of the other person when making an online purchase for them.  The internet will try to trick you, but you must stay strong in your convictions.

4.  The Internet

The internet overall is just a big scary place.  You’re going to see a lot of sales on a lot of sites that you’ve never heard of.  This stuff is frightening.  The web is vast and endless with new content all day all the time.  You need to watch out.  Just because there’s a Cyber Monday deal doesn’t mean you should take it.  It’s how they get you hooked.  The internet is the biggest pusher in the history of peer pressure.  Just watch out for you and your own.  Be careful.