5 Things to Do with Unwanted Christmas Gifts

These are the gifts that never should have been given.  Sometimes you really don’t want what someone got you.  We’re talking about sports jerseys for teams that don’t exist any more, or a VHS tape of Event Horizon, or a pushy religious or anti-religious book.  There are things to do with bad gifts, and that’s a great thing.  Gifts aren’t really created or destroyed, but they can be changed.

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1.  Donate

Take your unwanted gifts elsewhere and drop them off.  Donate them officially through a recognized charity of your choosing.  Or just toss them off a bridge somewhere and say you’re donating to the ground, or the fish.  Just try to give them away.  Giving makes one feel good, and everyone wants to feel good.  You certainly won’t from those gifts.

2.  Trash

You could also trash them.  Maybe you really didn’t want that paint set, or those off-brand Legos.  Just go out to your nearest park with a hammer, or you car, and trash the heck out of the unwanted gifts.  Destroy them, maybe play some 80s speed metal while you do it.  The thrill from physically manifesting your aggression will really lift your mood.

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3.  Toast

Are you cold?  Maybe you have some strange fixation with light?  Take the gifts with you to a campsite, or the beach, or any controlled environment, and use them for kindling.  Firewood is very expensive, so you’re gonna save yourself a boat load.  This way, the awful gifts are still useful to you.  There’s always a use for something.

4.  Build

Use your unwanted gifts as building material.  Find the room in your dwelling most in need of an additional wall, or maybe some insulation.  Take that Jai alai game kit and the knock off version of the Nintendo Wii and start work on your neato fort inside your house.  Keep it going for a few years and you can have yourself a full on haunted house.

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5.  Regift

Think of it as gift musical chairs.  Next year, take every awful gift you got and give it to someone else who got you an awful gift.  You save money, no longer have the awful gifts, and the offending parties have been offended in kind.  It’s a petty and ungrateful thing to do, but it’s the way of the world.  Get ready for next year right away.

4 Things to Do Between Christmas & New Year’s

Holiday down time can be the best time.  There’s that fun yet oddly placed week in between Christmas and New Year’s that a lot of people don’t know what to do with.  That’s especially true this year, where both holidays fall on a Wednesday, traditionally the week’s most awkward day.  Fret not, however, since we’re here with a pleasant list of tasks you can accomplish to make that holiday week feel full and happy.  Get your calendar ready and start taking notes.

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1.  Visit Family

This one is pretty obvious.  You should take time to spend with your family.  Granted, not everyone loves their family, or can travel to see hem, or maybe you’e alone in the world.  Don’t worry, family can mean a lot of different things.  You know you have people that need you or would love to see you.  Take some time and just go see them.  Maybe makes some phone calls or go to Skype.  You’ve got a week, so there’s no excuse for procrastination.

2.  Play with Gifts

You know all those super neat gifts you got for Christmas?  Use them!  Make some tasty food with your new George Foreman Grill.  Drive your new Kia Optima.  Beat some noobs online with your PlayStation 4.  If you’ve got gift cards, maybe hold on to them and wait for better January sales.  There’s no point to just locking up your new lawn mower or putting all of your clothes into the closet.  Make an effort to use all of your new stuff.

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3.  Volunteer

The holidays are a very terrible time for any people without means.  Or really for a lot of people for a lot of reasons.  The holidays kind of really suck, basically.  You can help rectify that.  Offer some time or money to a local shelter or charity.  Winter is a cold season, so anything you can do to provide warmth to others will be useful and appreciated.  We all really have a lot, so giving a little bit can go a long way.  See how far a smile will get you.

4.  Hibernate

There are just so many things to learn from nature.  Kung Fu styles are inspired by animals, and they are super cool.  You too can be as cool as an animal.  Maybe take this week to hibernate.  Stuff yourself full of high energy food and fats, and then wrap yourself in a blanket and call the week off.  Just sleep and float by until you find yourself roused awake for work or school or whatever.  Know that you will be smelly, but at least you’ll be well rested.

4 Ways to Manufacture a Controversy

Negative attention is better than no attention, right?  Sometimes a controversy has to be manufactured in order to draw more attention to something else.  It’s better to have everyone talking bad about you than no one talking about you at all.  Nobody buys news full of good things.  It’s pretty darn easy to manufacture a controversy, with some resources and cleverness.  Without further ado, let’s go ahead and get this hype train up and running.

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1.  Be Unoriginal

The safest way to be controversial is to look at controversial events in the past and rip them off.  People love to get up in arms, even if it’s over nothing important at all.  The thrill of getting mad is addicting for some people.  Look at a controversy you want to emulate, and do that exact thing.  If it helps, repeat a controversy from you own past.  Repeat being offensive and enraging, and watch as people start to talk about your controversial ways.

2.  Be “Unpopular”

If you want to be controversial, just say something “unpopular”.  This kind of unpopular is actually a popular opinion that’s fallen out of fashion and become impolite to say in mixed company.  This way, whatever controversial thing you spout off will resonate on both sides of an issue, and get more people arguing and talking.  Love and hate are so closely related, you can easily stir them up to get a delightful chemical reaction.

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3.  Be Topical

Makes sure that whatever you’re trying to be controversial about is relevant to the times.  What would have passed for a controversy two years ago may no longer be an issue that people are invested in.  Read over some headlines and newsfeeds, see what people are talking about, and go nuts with controversial opinions.  You’ll find people will echo what you say or rally against it, and then you can just turn that on them to keep the scandal going.

4.  Be Catchy

It’s easy to be controversial if you keep it short and simple.  In fact, the more you can simplify a major complex issue, the better.  No one cares if you have fundamental opposition to certain financial policies, but people will lose their minds if you go around calling a countries leader a swine, or insulting a progressive minority.  Social media thrives on short phrases that share well, so you need to tailor your controversy to the audience you’re trying to reach.

4 Ways Pets Are Like Kids

Who is the little monster in your home?  Pets and children have a lot in common.  Some people use one as a stand in for the other, and the behaviors cross over.  The similarities between pets and children are numerous and astounding.  Anyone who has spent time around both or either will reaffirm this.  But what exactly i it they have in common?  The Nation’s Journal is here with that hard hitting expose for you.  Curl up with your favorite menace and read on.

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1.  Attention

Pets and kids alike crave your constant attention.  Commonly known as the “look what I can do” effect, te small things living in your house need to know where you are and that you’re watching them at all times.  Kids will call out for you, dogs will cry, cats will be very cross with you and try to injure you. You need to constantly reassure them them that you see them, and that they are in fact good boys or good girls.  Saying it in a silly voice probably helps.

2.  Trouble

The result of you not giving your child or animal enough attention is that it will likely go out and cause trouble.  It might draw on the walls, or poop on the floor, or pee in the yard, or chew up the remotes, or knock over valuables from a very high up place.  You need to keep a watchful eye on the things in your care, or they will get out of hand and start to break rules.  Make sure not to discipline too hard though, you don’t want to be a total jerk.

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3.  Cost

Kids and pets alike both cost you a fortune and make your wallet very very sad.  Dogs, cats, birds, kids, all of them eat so very much food.  They burn calories through their tiny bodies at an incredible rate.  They just keep eating and eating.  Then there’s medical expenses, like vaccines and visits to their special doctors.  Those kinds of things aren’t cheap.  Then there’s education for school and obedience.  I mean really, it’s a sinking investment no matter what.

4.  Love

The biggest thing that pets and kids have in common is something you can’t really measure.  It’s that special kind of love, that’s so pure and adorable, most people call it “wuv” because they say it in a mushy baby voice.  If you take care of something vulnerable and innocent that lives with you, it’s sure to show you some crazy kind of pure affection.  It tends to make the first three parts of this article worth it.  Remember that next time they destroy something expensive, yeah?

4 Reasons to Wear an Ugly Christmas Sweater

Wrap yourself up in something ugly.  In recent years, there’s been a trend of celebrating the ugly Christmas Sweater.  This particular kind of sweater is a hideous mockery of fashion and good taste.  They are inexplicably popular among the youth, particularly the hip youth.  There are a few reasons to wear an ugly sweater, so let your freak flag fly.

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1.  Bad Taste

Intentionally bad taste says just as much about oneself as one’s good taste.  Good taste is going out of the way to please.  Bad taste is trying to offend.  Seeing what someone deems to be offensive can highlight a previously hidden aspect of their personality.  If you see a sweater you like, you may have just made a new enemy.

2.  Warmth

Ugly or not, a sweater is a sweater.  It’s going to keep you warm, and enhance your surely shapely form.  Guys in sweaters look buff, girls in sweaters look curvy.  If you want to be warm, wear an ugly sweater.  The bonus is that no one is going to steal your warmth or you sweater.  Who would want it?  It’s ugly.

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3. Tradition

You might not have a choice of whether or not to wear an ugly sweater.  It might be a gift from a family member or significant other.  It might be part of your office culture.  If for any reason you’re obligated to wear such an ugly sweater, just do it.  You can survive looking hideous one more day of your normally average looking life.

4.  Competition

Make a game out of your ugly sweater.  Try to find and rock the ugliest sweater you can find. From a thrift store, online, it doesn’t matter.  If you happen to come across someone with an uglier sweater, challenge them to a contest, or offer them money, in order to get their sweater.  You can be president of the ugly sweaters.

5 Simply Amazing Christmas Gifts

These presents are sure to be loved.  Sometimes you just don’t know what to get someone.  They might have everything they want.  They might be unknown to you, like a secret Santa.  It might be your in-law that you cannot stand but need to appease due to social contract.  No matter what the case is, these 5 following gifts are sure to be well received.  Make sure to keep this list handy for the next office Christmas party, so you know what to bring.

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1.  Socks

Socks are the ban of every child’s existence, but they are the life saver of adults.  Everyone over the age of 17 loves socks.  Socks have a nasty habit of disappearing or getting worn out, so getting more socks is always a huge plus.  Any kind of socks, from plain white to decorated with silly kitties, are sure to be welcomed.  Any complaints can be silenced with the assertion that socks are basically invisible under regular clothes, and the recipient should be grateful.

2.  Beer

Beer is like socks for your soul.  Beer makes you feel very warm and full inside, driving out the chill of winter and the solitude that sometimes accompanies the holidays.  Beer comes in a large array of flavors and textures, so there’s something for everyone.  There’s even alcohol free beer for people who choose not to partake in booze.  Beer is a nice heavy gift that’s fun o hold up over head, then drink so it doesn’t end up taking up room.

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3.  Amazon Giftcards

Amazon giftcards are the least offensive giftcard.  Everything most people need is on Amazon, even boring stuff like shampoo and deodorant.  If someone gets an Amazon giftcard and can’t think of anything to get, then they are just lacking in life’s true joys.  Plus, the more they buy from Amazon, the sooner Amazon can fund their fleet of delivery drones, which will make Christmas much more exciting in the future.  So please, think of the drones.

4.  An Apology

Say you need to get a gift for an absolute scoundrel.  They could be family, or a coworker, or somebody else that is always around but not by your choice.  What better thing to get them than a free thing?  Try apologizing.  Make it sappy and faux-sincere.  Act like it’s a huge deal.  Admit fault for a thing you totally didn’t do, but who cares anyway?  That way it looks like you thought long and hard about it, but really you just saved yourself 20 bucks.

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5.  20 Bucks

When in doubt, just give them a crisp twenty dollar bill.  Perhaps place it within a nice fancy card.  Sometimes, money really is everything.  Some people legitimately don’t like gifts, or maybe they understand that sometimes the pageantry of Christmas can be a bit overwhelming.  This way, the recipient gets a net profit off of a holiday.  It’s a great way to fin, and it’s going to help keep the economy going.  Giving someone a twenty is a gift to America.

4 Thing to Talk About That Aren’t Sports

Sometimes you can’t “play ball” in a sports conversation.  Sports aren’t for everyone.  Some people have little to no exposure to major sporting events, and feel left out in common conversation.  Sports provoke heavy passion and use a lot of colloquialisms that are complex or silly.  When in doubt about your conversational prowess you can refer to this handy list to find some suitable replacements.  You’ll never ever be the odd man or woman out again.

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1.  Weather

The weather is a popular topic of discussion.  When someone starts to talk about how many passes were thrown, or how many goals were scored, casually mention that it certainly is a lovely day.  If they continue, you should continue in kind.  Nimbly name things that are nice about the weather.  Talk about the lovely sunshine, or maybe the lovely clouds, and certainly the lovely temperature.  Every day has some kind of lovely weather that you know more about than sports.

2.  Tomorrow’s Weather

What’s that?  The conversation is now about home runs and bases?  Talk about the weather, but tomorrow.  The future is exciting, after all.  You never know what could happen.  One thing that might happen is the weather.  Just talk about that.  It might be sunny or cloudy, or rainy or snowy, or maybe even hail.  Thanks to climate change, you can never be sure.  Your sports loving compatriots will surely have some comment about the weather, allowing you to rejoin the group.

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3.  Video Games

If there’s one thing America loves, it’s sports video games.  Sports are ridiculously popular and full of passionate players and fans.  Video games are the same, but require way less effort.  They are cheaper in the long run as well.  Sports video games combine the best of both worlds.  If real sports come up and you have nothing to offer, try talking sports video games.  Xbox is a thing people like.  You should talk about it so people like you just as much.

4.  Video Game Weather

Computers are crazy, right?  They can do all sorts of neat things.  Some video games now have in depth weather simulation programs running inside of them.  Some of those games are even sports games.  Imagine, a rainy game of football, but on your TV!  This is truly the future.  The sports aficionado that has started a conversation with you with surely be impressed by this.  Make sure to talk about video game weather at any opportunity, and your peers will be blown away.